the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
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I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
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After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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