Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
