I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
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he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
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Another day, another engagement, another cat
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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