rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize