Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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