i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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