I seem to have left my pride at pride
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
