u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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