On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
