I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
