so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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