i just wanna soil my oats bro
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
