Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
