2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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