after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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