Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
