Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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