I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
