there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
