You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
