my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
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It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
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So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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