Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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