i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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