i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.