I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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