there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
