just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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