At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
What did we do last night that was yellow?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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