Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
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