No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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