somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I smell stomach acid.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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