you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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