im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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