the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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