Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
