Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
a search helicopter?!
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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