yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
