In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
