im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
