OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
