i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We left an ass print on the piano.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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