I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just want nice things and good sex
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
