im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
