you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
