I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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