Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
