He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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