I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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