WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My liver just broke up with me...
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
