just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
