my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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