You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
