My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
