But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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