i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
