It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
