all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
