he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
