I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
