The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
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He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
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It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
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